i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My ass is underappreciated
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
