I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
