girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize