when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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