why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
