remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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