I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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