I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
