Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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