at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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