Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
