Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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