yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
