i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
