I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
