Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
