i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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