Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
