I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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