can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so that wasnt chicken after all
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
