Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
