Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize