just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Never underestimate the power of titties
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
