Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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