I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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