3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
