What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
