I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
