I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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