there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
