I accidentally burped into my bong.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
