We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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