bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize