I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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