Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
