i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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