Don't make out with my wife yet
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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