I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
