Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
