I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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