I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize