I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
