God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
