just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
