New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
