Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
