I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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