Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
