dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
