The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
