You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
