Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
