It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
