Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
