This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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