I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
